I want to talk about my past in order to talk about my present. Today I’m in the process of death. Sometimes…I try to do good things in the flesh or try to think through what God is saying instead of really pressing into His Word and crying out. I’m feeling a lot of the brutal consequences for my wickedness. You really do reap what you sow, and that’s a reason I don’t want to sow any more bad seeds.
Back in 2017, I was focused on getting a boyfriend. It was more important than Jesus to me, if I’m totally honest and when God revealed this to me I ignored Him. I chased guy 1…guy 1 was a flirt. I chased guy 2, guy 2 was well, he never made any sense and confused me greatly.
After the loss, you’d think I would repent. I think I did at first… but then something tempted me and I knew I shouldn’t touch it, but it was screaming at me so I did.
I’ll back up a bit. I was fighting with God over a song…a very very evil song. Something in me liked it a LOT! I at the time, had a lot of unforgiveness towards a girl who hurt me and another girl who liked the boy I liked. This song was a revenge song and it made me feel all tough. I wasn’t though.
But God clearly did not like this song and I fought Him back and forth. I guess you could say a lie I’ve believed in my life is that God is somewhat of a pushover. (Absolutely not true at all) I didn’t forgive ppl at the time and I didn’t think God would forgive me a lot either but Im certain God was letting me be tormented by evil spirits until I did forgive and I kept going around in circles for a long time.
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
Something super creepy is that I’ve had a lot of bad dreams with this person in it. She won’t get out of my dreams. She won’t get out of my head. I’ve gotten random images of her in my head and random song lyrics and music in my head. I just want this stuff dead.
I’m gonna be honest too though. I did not want to give this stuff up. Her music was like a soothing drug. It fed my Jezebelish victim mentality…”blame all the men” and the sexual/romance lyrics were poetic which if you know me, poetry is a huge thing to me. The Bible is very poetic and it cuts you up so much. I mean, WOW the Bible is so so so beautiful yet so threatening it’s like it takes you to your knees and the only thing you can do is cry out to Jesus to save you because we can’t obey without His Spirit and without His power.
I had false grace. A grace that pretends sin isn’t happening. Real grace gets up in your face points out the sin and offers a hand to walk in the light and to forsake the sin. Sometimes grace is in a hug. Sometimes it’s in a big slap. A cold hard slap.
I used to use this line to torment (I’d mock her taunt her :(….) my friend who was praying for me and fighting for me to repent and I am glad she didn’t just watch me become hyper evil without saying something.
“I’m sorry, the old (artists name) can’t come to the phone right now”
“Oh, ’cause she’s dead!” (oh!)
Then I had a dream. I had a foot in the church…a foot in the world and in the middle of the dream I was burning up in a cage in hell. I woke up but when I did I actually was surprised I was alive.
I never felt the fear of God so intensely in my life. It was the starting point of a journey to repentance. I fought a lot along the way, made a lot of stupid choices trying to find the truth…and I know after reading God’s word instead of scouring YouTube that Jesus demands obedience. Because He’s the only way. Our filthy disgusting rags are disgusting to Him. He wants all of us and demands it.
I don’t know why He’s so invasive. I don’t know how I’m still breathing. I don’t know why He keeps pointing out sin. I just don’t like to fight Him a lot anymore because I know How dangerous He is. I know how foolish I can be. Even if your genuinely struggling to obey and you desire to obey…its 100x better than willful disobedience. You’ll drop like a rock in Hell with that stuff.
I didn’t start out wanting to resist or reject God with my lifestyle but it happened swiftly. Be very very careful what media you consume and the people you hang out with. It may just be the thing that robs your soul of the only One who died for it.
I can get proud, cocky, and let me tell you there is nothing more deadly than pride. God will slap that off fast though. I’m ever so grateful for it. I’m nothing but a sick Jezebel sex addict without Jesus.
With Him…I’m softer. I’m still growing and I need my flesh to bleed to death but every little step of faith ONLY by His grace is taking so much weight off. He is totally ok with me dying. I know this is controversial but He hated that old me. He hated her so much. It’s not that He didn’t see potential it’s just that He wants anything tainted in the flesh to die. And that’s why Jesus is SO important because without Him we are lost. With Him we have a way to die and be covered by His blood.
Some may say I’m teaching works. I’m not teaching. I’m just reaching out. And let me tell you something…it says we are covered by His blood if we walk in the light. That sounds like a FAITH that steps. Not a faith that sits.
I’m weak. Any prayers are cherished.
I do have a hard time letting go of the past but tbh I don’t want to forget because I need to see the stain of sin. I need to know how rotten I am apart from Him. It’s hard for me to move on.
You know I bet most people would of said I was a nice girl, but nice means nothing.