I sometimes am thrown off by compliments. I have a hard time taking them or responding to them…My confidence is not very high. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I do. I just don’t know what to say.
I used to be confident….but I was imitating people back then and someone might say, “Do what you can to GET confident…” or “Do what works…,” but I ride on the train of thought which runs on what IS best. Not on what works. Not on getting a certain feeling.
And Feelings….oh boy, feelings are like water…they may seem solid as ice for a while but they can quickly change form. A hot day melts the ice cubes. A cold day freezes the mud puddle.
To combat my insecurities, I COULD pretend I’m super popular, good looking, or whatever I feel like I need. I’ll probably feel better, but it’s a feeling upheld on a lie. It patches a wound, but at the end of the day I’m still struggling with the same thing.
And things that rot away too long smell a lot worse than they did before. Raw Beef doesn’t smell very good, but rotten meat smells like death. It’s better to take care of things instead of prettying up the garbage.
Oh…How many women out there are deeply cut up, insecure, and dying for attention that they pour their wallets into cosmetics, surgeries, and different fashion statements. How many men do the same with their cars, video games or etc. It goes to show that most people rather dress the wound than address it. And by dress it, I mean ignore it or cover it.
The other tactic is to use the scar to create an identity in. No matter what people are doing they are holding onto this thing because they aren’t getting healed. Healing comes through one name…Jesus. Covering, pretending, ignoring, and etc comes through many many sources…too many to name. And theology even sells its trick and pony show to “heal” but it doesn’t do anything apart from the Healer.
So maybe some people will tell me it’s okay to imitate worldly people in order to feel like I’m cool. But my imitation scheme was the lovechild of my insecurities and my aim to fix myself. The source is rotten. I mean, who wants to build a house on rotting wood. Not me.
And why does everyone want to even feel cool? I mean…I guess maybe we all want to feel special somehow. Even if it seems childish. We want to be heard, seen, cared about. I ain’t gonna lie. After a long time of stacking up blocks of sin…I forgot love and got a faux version. Even if my tower is broke, the blocks are all over and it’s hard for me to receive, perceive, and believe love.
Maybe it’s because I held onto hate for certain people who’ve cut me. A hateful soul never really understands love because they don’t live in love. Maybe the truth is, I have some hate deep down brewing unnoticed…unknown…and it comes out sometimes…and hurts like a burn.
I’m not sure how you deal with your wounds. I typically tried to fix them somehow. A lot of times the fix was by distractions. Or by competition. Feeling better than someone feels fresh and amazing. But it wears off after one wash.
Ever eat wet bread? That’s kind of what competition is… Bread goes great with so many meals when it’s dry…but once it gets wet it soaks in whatever touched it and becomes well…kinda gross and soggy…Competitive behavior feels great when your on top, but when you lose…it takes one little loss to ruin the game. And then you start to drip in all the toxicity you tried to avoid in the first place.
Maybe this feels like a pity party. If so…blow some balloons cause I’m sorry…this is how I feel. I’m trying to get to the bottom of my wounds but they are painful. And for some reasons humans avoid emotional, inner, and mental pain like crazy. We can eat away or problems, cut away, or whatever vice…but when we face our insecurities we feel helpless. Because we are.
Apart from Jesus…there’s no saving of the soul. Nobody to make it whole. No One who knows. You can scream all the lyrics on your new single and strum the acoustic guitar, you can slop on paint and make a masterpiece, you can write stories or posts until your fingers bleed, but at the end of the day the people know in pieces but they don’t know in whole. So no matter how we “portray ourselves” or how good we feel about things it means nothing. Because if we are rotten down inside…we can’t hide from God.
And that can be both a good and bad thing. He understands so we may as well give Him the keys to our pain. Give Him the means to our change.
This was interesting…